It
all begins in November; the twinkling lights, Christmas decorations, Christmas
music blaring out of every department store …. Christmas is officially on its
way.
It’s the same every year.
Now for most people it’s a
joyous time and the only complication might be that you have to tolerate
relatives that you only ever see at Christmas. However, if you are a carer then
Christmas can mean so many more complications, which unless you’re a carer yourself you might not even realize exist.
Anyone with children know how excited they get
during the holidays, which is only natural and all part of the magic of
Christmas, but what if you have a family member who’s very sensitive to
noise? This is the case with many
illnesses, especially brain conditions which is what my husband suffers
from.
Trying to keep a child quiet is almost impossible;
after all you don’t want to spoil their Christmas yet at
the same time you must respect the needs of the person you’re caring for.
Our children were very young when my husband was
diagnosed with IH (Intracranial Hypertension or Pseudo Tumor Cerebri - www.ihrfoundation.org)
they were just 6 years old and 2 years old! So how did we work around
this you may wonder?
Well to be honest it's got easier as the children
have got older... but the plan starts on Christmas Eve.
·
When we put
the stockings out for Santa, we remind the children that they mustn't be too
noisy on Christmas morning because we want Daddy to be as well as he can be for
Christmas day.
· We explain that we wrote to Santa and
asked him to fill their stockings with presents that will keep them occupied
for an hour or so, such as drawing materials, crafts, games, DVD’s, CD’s, books
etc. (this changed each year depending on their ages and what they liked to
do.) We found that this helps to focus
their minds a little bit, so they're not as hyper early in the morning.
·
The next step
is planned well before Christmas.
When buying gifts, my husband will
choose which ones he'd like to see the family opening! We then wrap them in a different
paper and put a bow on them.
·
On Christmas
morning we get up before my husband and quietly go to see what Santa’s brought, being careful to not
wake him up. We then open about 85% of the presents. (Leaving the ones wrapped
in different paper under the tree to open later.)
·
When he wakes
up and is ready to open presents, we have a second stage of present giving -
this means that he hasn't been overloaded with the noise and activity but has
still been part of the family opening presents.
Forget
trying to be perfect...... It’s so over - rated!
·
Very often we
put immense pressure on ourselves, trying to make everything just perfect at
Christmas. This only leads to bitter disappointment if it doesn’t go perfectly.
When you’re a carer, your life becomes spontaneous; you never know what the day
may bring. Christmas day is no exception.
If they end up having a bad day, then you
simply won’t have the time to make everything perfect.
·
Consider
talking to those family members who will join you on Christmas day… explain
that YOU want to have an enjoyable Christmas too! After all you deserve it!
Explain that they shouldn't expect
too much of your loved one. If your loved one has a brain condition / brain
injury as my husband does, then explain that too much noise coming from
different directions, too much mental stimulus will overload the brain, causing
confusion, inability to think properly, panic and pain. Lots
of pain!
·
Explain your
loved one’s illness or disability to your family. Your loved one will be more
relaxed if they aren’t trying to put a brave face on how they really feel, not
wanting to disappoint anyone’s expectations of Christmas.
·
Explain to
the family well in advance that this is the way Christmas is going to be in
your house from now on, you’re not going to try and be unrealistic.
·
Instead
you’re going to focus on what your loved one can manage and build
Christmas around that, not dwelling on what they can’t do anymore. (That just
creates negativity with your loved one feeling sad and guilty that Christmas isn’t the way it used to be
anymore.)
·
Explain that you
are banning the phrase “it’s not like it used to be!”
·
Relatives
need to understand that it will never go back to the way it used to be, life
has changed and so you must change with it and adapt your Christmas from now
on.
·
Give
relatives the choice to opt out if they feel that they’d rather not visit on
Christmas day. Explain that you understand and it’s fine… they can visit some
other time instead.
·
CHILL OUT... Make
Christmas Day a more relaxed day.
·
Sleep.... If your loved one needs to go back to
bed after opening gifts, then that's OK. Try to be uunderstanding and just carry on preparing dinner while they sleep.
If they need to sleep after dinner, then that’s OK too.
·
Cheat!! If you have family joining you for
Christmas day then ask them to help out. If everyone brings a tray / dish of
food then it eases the burden on you! Think of the American thanksgiving
dinners, where families all help out with the
cooking and see if your family will adopt a similar strategy.
·
If you’re
just cooking for your immediate family then give yourself a break! It’s not
much more than a Sunday roast but everyone puts so much pressure on themselves
to achieve the perfect meal. If cooking a large turkey is a daunting task then
why not consider buying a small turkey crown or even cooking a chicken instead?
·
Buy frozen vegetables,
just ready to cook. ( I do this ALL the time... tastes just as nice.) You can even buy frozen roast potatoes these
days too! That way you achieve perfection without the stress.
·
Dinner table
etiquette. Is it really the end of the world
if you don’t have every family member sitting at the
table? We've learned over the years that if we expect my husband to fit in with
a classic Christmas day plan then it will probably end up with him feeling
stressed - not wanting to let others down, and then when his illness means that
he has to let them down there's bitter disappointment all around.
·
So
we make Christmas day a more relaxed day.
·
We only have
family with us who understand his condition, and the impact that has on
everything. Everyone knows that he can't always sit around a dinner table,
because of the noise of different conversations happening at once which is
confusing.... if it's a good IH day then yes, he can, but if it's a bad day he
can't. No-one expects that anymore.
·
On a bad day,
he eats his meal using a lap tray, watching TV in the living room... he is
happier doing that and no-one gets stressed about it.
What if you’re on your own?
·
For some
carers Christmas can be a very lonely time. I’ve described methods of handling
Christmas if you’re part of a big family, but what if you’re not?
·
What if it’s
just you and the cared for person? Some
of the same strategies apply, such as don’t get stressed about making it perfect,
make Christmas day a more relaxed day built around what your loved one can do,
rather than dwelling on what they can’t do anymore.
·
Try to stay positive, cheat wherever possible
with the Christmas dinner – ready prepared frozen vegetables are a fantastic
invention and taste delicious.
What if you’re on a restricted diet such as wheat /
gluten free?
Lok for the ‘Free from’ ranges in supermarkets. They
are getting better and better as the years go by, and nowadays they even do
wheat free / gluten free Christmas Cake and Christmas
puddings. (I know because I have food allergies and I’m on a restricted diet.)
·
Lack of
respite care over the holidays.
Many of the
carers support organizations operate on less staff over the holidays, which
means that some carers don’t get their usual respite from their caring role. So if you know of a carer living nearby who
doesn’t have a large family network supporting them, please offer your support.
Even if you offer to get some groceries for them when you go grocery shopping,
it can make all the difference to a carer knowing that someone cares about
them! Breaking that feeling of isolation during what can be a sad time of year
for some.
Young Carers
Many young carers look after a parent who’s a single parent, which can lead to immense
pressure on the Young Carer trying to make Christmas as perfect as they can for
their parent and siblings, whilst they’re just children themselves!
·
If you know
of a young carer, please offer them your love and support this Christmas. In a
similar way to lone carers they can find Christmas a very sad and isolating
time of year.
·
This is the
article that Carers Trust wrote about Young Carers at Christmas.. http://www.carers.org/press-release/no-magic-uk%E2%80%99s-young-carers-christmas
I hope that some of these tips have helped in
some small way… and that Christmas is a happy time for you and your family. :)
Merry
Christmas / Happy holidays.
Victoria. x
Carers Support –
U.K.
Australia
USA
Canada
New Zealand.
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