Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Top tips on getting through the holiday season, when you're a carer!

          

It all begins in November; the twinkling lights, Christmas decorations, Christmas music blaring out of every department store …. Christmas is officially on its way. 
It’s the same every year. 
Now for most people its a joyous time and the only complication might be that you have to tolerate relatives that you only ever see at Christmas. However, if you are a carer then Christmas can mean so many more complications, which unless youre a carer yourself you might not even realize exist.
 Anyone with children know how excited they get during the holidays, which is only natural and all part of the magic of Christmas, but what if you have a family member who’s very sensitive to noise?  This is the case with many illnesses, especially brain conditions which is what my husband suffers from. 
Trying to keep a child quiet is almost impossible; after all you dont want to spoil their Christmas yet at the same time you must respect the needs of the person you’re caring for. 
Our children were very young when my husband was diagnosed with IH (Intracranial Hypertension or Pseudo Tumor Cerebri - www.ihrfoundation.org)  they were just 6 years old and 2 years old! So how did we work around this you may wonder? 
Well to be honest it's got easier as the children have got older... but the plan starts on Christmas Eve.
·      When we put the stockings out for Santa, we remind the children that they mustn't be too noisy on Christmas morning because we want Daddy to be as well as he can be for Christmas day.

·      We explain that we wrote to Santa and asked him to fill their stockings with presents that will keep them occupied for an hour or so, such as drawing materials, crafts, games, DVD’s, CD’s, books etc. (this changed each year depending on their ages and what they liked to do.)  We found that this helps to focus their minds a little bit, so they're not as hyper early in the morning.


·      The next step is planned well before Christmas.
When buying gifts, my husband will choose which ones he'd like to see the family opening! We then wrap them in a different paper and put a bow on them.

·      On Christmas morning we get up before my husband and quietly go to see what Santa’s brought, being careful to not wake him up. We then open about 85% of the presents. (Leaving the ones wrapped in different paper under the tree to open later.)

·      When he wakes up and is ready to open presents, we have a second stage of present giving - this means that he hasn't been overloaded with the noise and activity but has still been part of the family opening presents.


Forget trying to be perfect...... It’s so over - rated!

·      Very often we put immense pressure on ourselves, trying to make everything just perfect at Christmas. This only leads to bitter disappointment if it doesn’t go perfectly. When you’re a carer, your life becomes spontaneous; you never know what the day may bring. Christmas day is no exception.
 If they end up having a bad day, then you simply won’t have the time to make everything perfect. 

·      Consider talking to those family members who will join you on Christmas day… explain that YOU want to have an enjoyable Christmas too! After all you deserve it!
Explain that they shouldn't expect too much of your loved one. If your loved one has a brain condition / brain injury as my husband does, then explain that too much noise coming from different directions, too much mental stimulus will overload the brain, causing confusion, inability to think properly, panic and pain. Lots of pain!

·      Explain your loved one’s illness or disability to your family. Your loved one will be more relaxed if they aren’t trying to put a brave face on how they really feel, not wanting to disappoint anyone’s expectations of Christmas. 

·      Explain to the family well in advance that this is the way Christmas is going to be in your house from now on, you’re not going to try and be unrealistic. 

·      Instead you’re going to focus on what your loved one can manage and build Christmas around that, not dwelling on what they can’t do anymore.  (That just creates negativity with your loved one feeling sad and guilty that Christmas isn’t the way it used to be anymore.)

·      Explain that you are banning the phrase “it’s not like it used to be!”
·      Relatives need to understand that it will never go back to the way it used to be, life has changed and so you must change with it and adapt your Christmas from now on.

·      Give relatives the choice to opt out if they feel that they’d rather not visit on Christmas day. Explain that you understand and it’s fine… they can visit some other time instead.

·      CHILL OUT... Make Christmas Day a more relaxed day.

·      Sleep.... If your loved one needs to go back to bed after opening gifts, then that's OK. Try to be uunderstanding and just carry on preparing dinner while they sleep. If they need to sleep after dinner, then that’s OK too.

·      Cheat!! If you have family joining you for Christmas day then ask them to help out. If everyone brings a tray / dish of food then it eases the burden on you! Think of the American thanksgiving dinners, where families all help out with the cooking and see if your family will adopt a similar strategy.

·      If you’re just cooking for your immediate family then give yourself a break! It’s not much more than a Sunday roast but everyone puts so much pressure on themselves to achieve the perfect meal. If cooking a large turkey is a daunting task then why not consider buying a small turkey crown or even cooking a chicken instead?

·      Buy frozen vegetables, just ready to cook. ( I do this ALL the time... tastes just as nice.)  You can even buy frozen roast potatoes these days too! That way you achieve perfection without the stress.

·      Dinner table etiquette. Is it really the end of the world if you don’t have every family member sitting at the table? We've learned over the years that if we expect my husband to fit in with a classic Christmas day plan then it will probably end up with him feeling stressed - not wanting to let others down, and then when his illness means that he has to let them down there's bitter disappointment all around.     

·       So we make Christmas day a more relaxed day.



·      We only have family with us who understand his condition, and the impact that has on everything. Everyone knows that he can't always sit around a dinner table, because of the noise of different conversations happening at once which is confusing.... if it's a good IH day then yes, he can, but if it's a bad day he can't.  No-one expects that anymore.

·      On a bad day, he eats his meal using a lap tray, watching TV in the living room... he is happier doing that and no-one gets stressed about it.

What if you’re on your own?
·      For some carers Christmas can be a very lonely time. I’ve described methods of handling Christmas if you’re part of a big family, but what if you’re not?
 ·      What if it’s just you and the cared for person?  Some of the same strategies apply, such as don’t get stressed about making it perfect, make Christmas day a more relaxed day built around what your loved one can do, rather than dwelling on what they can’t do anymore.
 ·       Try to stay positive, cheat wherever possible with the Christmas dinner – ready prepared frozen vegetables are a fantastic invention and taste delicious.

What if you’re on a restricted diet such as wheat / gluten free?
Lok for the ‘Free from’ ranges in supermarkets. They are getting better and better as the years go by, and nowadays they even do wheat free / gluten free Christmas Cake and Christmas puddings. (I know because I have food allergies and I’m on a restricted diet.)

·      Lack of respite care over the holidays.
   Many of the carers support organizations operate on less staff over the holidays, which means that some carers don’t get their usual respite from their caring role.  So if you know of a carer living nearby who doesn’t have a large family network supporting them, please offer your support. Even if you offer to get some groceries for them when you go grocery shopping, it can make all the difference to a carer knowing that someone cares about them! Breaking that feeling of isolation during what can be a sad time of year for some.

 Young Carers
Many young carers look after a parent who’s a single parent, which can lead to immense pressure on the Young Carer trying to make Christmas as perfect as they can for their parent and siblings, whilst they’re just children themselves!
·      If you know of a young carer, please offer them your love and support this Christmas. In a similar way to lone carers they can find Christmas a very sad and isolating time of year.
 ·      This is the article that Carers Trust wrote about Young Carers at Christmas.. http://www.carers.org/press-release/no-magic-uk%E2%80%99s-young-carers-christmas

I hope that some of these tips have helped in some small way… and that Christmas is a happy time for you and your family. :)
Merry Christmas / Happy holidays.
Victoria. x




Carers Support –

U.K.
·       http://www.carers.org/



·       https://carersuk.org









Australia






USA












Canada






New Zealand.



Friday, 23 December 2016

Mother's pride.

A surge of pride
soaring high on eagle's wings,
Flying triumphantly o'er the snow capped peaks
with not a care in the world.
Arriving at the destination,
all is as it should be.

Released from the shackles of distress
Gone are the days when torment,
fear and jittery collywobbles ruled.
The foe is defeated,
setting my beautiful butterfly free,
enabling her life's adventure to start.
With teary eyes and a heart swollen with immense love and admiration for one
who has overcome adversity and pain,
Rejoicing triumphantly in her success.

V.A.Lewin.




Copyright.© V.A.Lewin 2016.

Acceptance

Either we accept this insane parallel universe
or insanity beckons us with its withered fingers, in a cruel twist of fate.
 What use would we be then?

So acceptance is our only option, or is it?

Reluctantly we accept his choice of living, but with heavy, dull and aching hearts.
How we long for days gone by, for another chance to see the signs we missed along the way, and change his course before the sails were set on his destination.
Destination? To where?

Futile cries in the dark, searching for his lost soul to return to the bosom of our hearts, but alas t'is too late.
He is changed.
Will he ever return?
Who knows.
All that's left is hope and faith.
As the years go by, so we wait.
Patient and silent.
Moving forward whilst glancing backward...
ever hopeful.

V.A.Lewin.


Copyright.© V.A.Lewin. 2015.

Shattered dreams

Broken hearts and shattered dreams,
Broken promises,
Fragmented images of what might have been,
Distress signals flare from high above the land,
Futile cries for help.
Accepting our inability to influence anymore
is the only help we receive.
V.A.Lewin.
Copyright © V.A.Lewin.2015.

Tuesday, 20 December 2016

The moment...

Time stands still....
the realization dawns... you're a carer.
A surge of love sent from above
surrounds you, surpassing any love you've ever known.

Closely followed by an overwhelming sense of relief that your loved one is still here.


Sheer panic and trepidation of the unknown road stretching out before you.


Met with courageous strength and a determination to keep going...no matter what.


Love will always find a way.



V.A.Lewin.

2015

Friday, 2 December 2016

Cloak of shame


Unraveling thoughts whir through my mind,
Unbroken chains, criss – crossed across my heart,
Throwing off the cloak of shame,
Which kept concealed the anguish and pain.

By
V.A. Lewin


Copyright © V.A. Lewin 2016

The Hourglass by Victoria Lewin.